Pandaria: Kung Fu Panda sequel? Wait WoW what?!?!

Monday July 9th, 10pm Eastern time. Settling down after a long day of pwning some classic dungeons on World Of Warcraft to watch my favorite weekly webshow “Scotch and Smoke Rings”. It’s Summer and school is out. What could be better? Picking up my mighty WoW tankard for a few cheers and hurrahs! to the kick off of another great episode, I continue to repeat in my mind, “What could be better?”.

I turn up the volume a bit to get the perfect audio/visual experience, and then that one dreadful sound washes over me like an ogre that just couldn’t hold in that extra bit of ale he drank. My brother, Nick, yawns loudly and sits up, rubbing the dreary sleep out of his eyes. Trying to compose himself before he steps out of bed he asks sleepily, “Brad, what time is it? And why do you have the darn computer turned up so loud again?!”. I put down the tankard and let out a sigh, aware that the fun might be over for the night.

“It’s 10pm” I reply, “And you are interrupting Oxhorn, can you be a bit more respectful?”. He just grumbles and turns on his Xbox,  after sleeping all day, it was now time for him to keep me up all night with his profanity after multiple deaths in “Max Payne 3”. It had been years since Nick played WoW, he just didn’t understand the importance of my Thursday night rituals. The thought of that poor level 76 Human Paladin he neglected to even fully level up makes me want…..FLAK! Pardon the language, it’s just so frustrating.

He hands me his xtreme bass headphones so I don’t interrupt him, pulling back up the chair, I get right back into the hilarity and good tidings that Oxhorn always seems to bestow upon his viewers. Chatting up the chat room, I let my eyes drift towards the keyboard and let my ears just tune in to all of the information and news that I can get. One word that Ox says quickly draws my eyes back to the screen, alert and ready. “Contests!”. That one beautiful word makes me shiver with delight at all the possibilities it holds.

Eyes glowing with happiness and tankard at hand ready to sip cream soda(As I am not of legal age to drink scotch) Nick’s disruptive howls and hoots turn my attention to him. “Do you mind!?” I sneer. He stares wide eyed at me for a second before laughing even more at my own outburst. “Listen Brad..” he starts, a smirk drawn across his face, “Me and the clan are going to go flank these camping noobs before they get  smart and go all prestige on us. So yes, I do mind, go back to your dumb little podcast or whatever and leave the gaming to the pros all right?”.

I don’t even think to dignify his statement with an answer because whatever he just said was completely alien to me. “That made no sense Nick, I hope you know that.” I retort, he waves at me with one hand to show that he doesn’t care, so I shrug and listen to the details of the contests. As if Summer couldn’t get any better, Mists of Pandaria beta keys and tons of other prizes. I practically flourish with joy, and the chances of winning are great for anyone that joins up. Though the excitement was well solidified within me, I still had not looked into the features and details of the new expansion.

I pull up a new tab as the show starts to die down for the night, people type their goodbyes and Ox signs off after the great news he presented. If anyone was as excited as me, they would be rushing to get their own projects done as well. I look over the features that Mists of Pandaria has to offer, taking keen interest in one of the newest additions to the World of Warcraft. “What the Chaken blit!” I blurt out involuntarily. “Brad shut up!” Nick yells at me, “I am just about to drop a nuke on these noobs”. I place a hand over my mouth to ensure that no more profanity seeps out.

Pandas?! What is Blizzard thinking?! There is no room in the Horde for such….Fuzzy and adorable abominations! The Alliance maybe, those elf loving tree huggers always open their doors for the weak minded simpletons that roam Azeroth. Maybe that is why they always lose pvp battles. I chuckle a little when I come to the realization that the new race will probably be Alliance only. Scrolling a bit further, I notice the little bit of text under the Pandaren character.

“PLAYABLE AS ALLIANCE AND HORDE”. That was it, the final straw had been stuck into the cup of destiny, and I could no longer hold in my anger. “CHAKEN FLAK BLIT BLOIT FLAK CHAK BLOIT BLIT” I yelled in anger. How could they disgrace us with such a addition to the awesome power that is the Horde? The cute qualities that come with the Pandariens doesn’t suit the raw brutality that comes with being a proud member of the Horde, it just doesn’t fit.

“WOOT, NOOBS PWNED, HAPPY DANCE” Nick chants happily as he gets up and dances around the room, using various dance moves such as the “Charlie Brown” and what looked like a rain dance. While he danced idiotically around the room, I placed my head in my hands and sighed.

While I wallowed in my own self pity, my Iphone beeped, possibly indicating a notification. When I check what the beep was about I read the words “Brandon M. Dennis updated his status “PANDA” “. I stare blankly at the message, 0 comments so far, just posted, what am I thinking, GO GO GO. Trying to type in the password, I drop the phone almost several times, fumbling madly to get to the sweet prize waiting for me.

I finally manage to unlock the phone and type “EXTERMINATOR” without hesitation in hopes of claiming the Beta key. I wait patiently for Facebook to update, almost pleading to the Gods of Azeroth themselves for salvation. And without one more second of waiting, I receive a message from Oxhorn himself. “Congratulations Brad! Enjoy your Beta Key!”. My heart practically stopped, could it be? Did I just win? Yes! Yes I did! Now it was my turn to dance triumphantly around the room, Nick staring at me as if  I had gone mad.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asks sheepishly. I point to the screen and continue cheering happily. “Pfft!” he snorts, “Just some lousy Beta Key for what looks like….The Sequel to Kung Fu Panda!” and with that, he was dancing again. Though my brother was 16, he still had a love for everything and anything dreamworks, and Kung Fu Panda had to have been at the top of his list.

I chuckle lightly at his notion, “No Nick, it’s a Beta Key for the new World of Warcraft expansion!”. He stops dancing and frowns. “Darn, and I thought the secrets from the last movie would have been revealed….Oh well, there is always next year” he said as he plopped down on the bed and quickly passed out.

The anticipation and frustration had finally left me, I was only seconds away from typing in the key and updating the game. Soon, I would be one of the first to play the Beta and experience the awesomeness that is Pandaria. After the final bit of patching finishes, I head straight into the game, typing in my login and creating my character. I was skeptical about the Pandarian race at first, but after all the excitement that plagued me tonight, I may as well take a crack at it.

I click enter world and it quickly loads up. While I wait, I sit back and ponder everything that led up to this moment. Winning the Beta key…..Winning the Beta Key…Wait…That’s all that happened! Oh well, it was still exhilarating. This was a massive leap in human histroy, bigger than the pyramids, bigger than the astronauts, this…was…Warcraft.

Entering the World, I take my first step as a Pandaran. Was this the beginning of a new adventure in World of Warcraft? Or was it a mistake to add such a race to the game? It was this one step that determined it all. As his paw touched the ground….Bluescreen.

 

The white text flooded my pc screen, frustration and sadness flooded my head, Nick sat laughing hysterically. All I did was stare. Stare into the taunting white text, into the curse that the Pandarans left with me. “DARN YOU PANDARANS!” I howled. “…..I hate Pandas…..”

 

I hope you enjoyed this short story I created for your amusement Oxhorn 🙂 Thank you for the opportunity to win this contest, keep rocking the classiness! Scotch and Smoke rings=Favorite web show. Thanks again!

-Brad Campbell. 

 oxhorn.com  bloggingwithclass.com scotchandsmokerings.com

Pandaria: Kung …

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